Cooking With Sam Gamgee
by ElvenPrincessOfNarnia- Kate
Summary: Sam Gamgee's cooking show!
1. Fried Fish and Taters

_Disclaimer: I own none of these characters. Characters belong to Mr. J.R.R. Tolkien (and whoever owns the rights now)._

_Fried Fish recipe taken from Food Network- Fried Fish with Smashed Chips Recipe: Food Network Kitchens_

* * *

_The scene opens on a hobbit kitchen. Sam Gamgee is standing behind a table cluttered with heaps of food items, with a stove and oven behind him. To his right is Rosie (standing next to a sink and counter filled with bowls and kitchen utensils) and to his left is Gollum/Smeagol, who is poking around Sam's canned preserves._

**Sam:** Hello! This is Samwise Gamgee here! Welcome to _Cooking With Sam Gamgee_, the most awesome show in Middle Earth! To my right is my beautiful wife Rosie Cotton Gamgee, and to my left is my cooking partner, Smeagol (or Gollum, depending on his mood).

**Rosie: **Hello! _(curtsies)_

**Gollum: **Precious smells fishes.

**Sam: **Okaaay. Let's get started! Today's recipe is: _(drumroll) _Fried Fish with Smashed Chips!

**Gollum:** I _knew_ precious smelled fishes!

**Rosie: **Sounds like a great idea Sam!

**Sam:** Alright! The first thing you need when cooking are your ingredients!

For today's recipe, your ingredients are:

1 2/3 cups all-purpose flour  
1 tablespoon baking powder  
2 cups cold good-quality wheat beer  
2 pounds small red-skinned new or baby potatoes

**Gollum: **Taters? _Those _are taters, precious?

**Rosie: **Yes.

**Gollum: **Bleh!

**Sam: **Continuing on...

Fine sea salt  
6 tablespoons unsalted butter, melted  
Freshly ground pepper  
Vegetable oil, for deep-frying  
3 pounds center-cut haddock, pollock or hake fillet, cut into thick strips  
1/3 cup roughly chopped fresh parsley  
Malt vinegar, for serving (optional)

So, first,

Whisk the flour and baking powder in a medium bowl and make a well in the center. Gradually whisk the beer into the well to make a smooth, thin batter. Cover and refrigerate at least 1 hour. (You can make the batter up to 12 hours in advance; it gets better the longer it sits.)

Preheat the oven to 400. Cover the potatoes with water in a medium pot and add a pinch of salt. Bring to a boil over medium-high heat and cook until fork-tender, about 20 minutes. Drain and pat dry. Toss the potatoes with the melted butter and spread on a baking sheet. Slightly flatten each potato with a spatula (do not mash completely) and season with salt and pepper. Roast in the oven until crisp and golden, 15 to 20 minutes.

Meanwhile, heat 2 inches of vegetable oil in a heavy-bottomed pot over medium heat until a deep-fry thermometer registers 375 degrees. Season the fish all over with salt and pepper. Working in batches, dip the fish into the batter, let the excess drip off and lower into the hot oil. Fry until evenly brown, turning with tongs, about 2 minutes per side. Transfer to a paper-towel-lined plate to drain.

Transfer the potatoes to bowls or plates along with the fried fish. Sprinkle with the parsley and serve with malt vinegar, if desired.

**_Later..._**

_Scene: A neatly set table with a white and red tablecloth, crystal goblets, and silver plates. Again, Sam is in the middle, with Rosie on his right and Gollum on his left._

**Sam: **This looks like a beautiful meal!

**Smeagol: **Taters aren't bad, precious! Precious likes taters!

**Sam: **See, I told you so!

**Smeagol: **Precious still likes raw fish better.

**Sam: **_(sigh)_ You're not AS hopeless now...

**Rosie: **Tune in next time to _Cooking With Sam Gamgee_!

**Sam: **Hey, that's _my _line!

**Rosie: **You were busy...

**Sam: **Anyway, next time on _Cooking With Sam Gamgee,_ we're going to be making dessert!

**Smeagol: **What's dessert, precious?

**Sam and Rosie:** You'll see...


	2. Special Episode: Feesh

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

* * *

**The scene opens on Sam's kitchen. There are no dishes, ingredients, or utensils anywhere. Sam is standing to the right of the screen. Gollum/Smeagol is perched on the table. Rosie is standing to the left of the screen, smiling.**

"Hello!" Sam smiles and looks into the camera. "Today, we have a special episode for you, despite the fact this is the second episode of 'Cooking With Sam Gamgee,' but who cares?" Gollum hisses and spits.

"Nobody. Hello! I am precious, and precious is me! Gollum, gollum." Sam glares at Gollum.

"So now you steal Gandalf's line, huh?" Sam asks.

"Now, now you two. Tell the audience why this is a special episode." Rosie interrupts. Gollum turns around the kitchen, looking for more people. Seeing only the camera people and the two hobbits, he shrugs and turns away.

"Look into the camera!" Sam demands. Gollum walks up to the camera, peers in, and smashes the camera.

**The screen goes fuzzy. A commercial for Morgul blades comes on. Then it switches back to "Cooking With Sam Gamgee**".

"Hello again!" Sam grimaces. "Sorry about that. But the real reason for this special episode is that Gollum-"

"Smeagol." The said person interrupts. "Smeagol. Say it with me. _Smee. Goal. Smee. Goal. Smee-_"

"Alright, alright! Smeagol."

"Better."

"_Smeagol _is going to teach us how to make something. What are you making again?"

Smeagol holds up a fish. "_Feesh._ No cooking. Just eat." He bites into the raw fish, bits and water spewing out of his mouth. Rosie gags.

"Really, Sam. You knew this was going to happen!"

Sam sighs. "Mr. Frodo was asking me to help him. I tried. With fried fish. He's 'opeless." Rosie puts a hand on his shoulder. Suddenly, Smeagol dashes out the door. The camera crew follows him, shouting.

"Get back here! You're supposed to stay in the house!" Smeagol ignores them and keeps running. At the pond in the middle of Hobbiton, he plunges into the water and comes up with two fish.

"_Feesh!"_ he screeches. He turns to the cameras. "This is how you catch and eat food. Fish."

* * *

Note: This was pure fluff written out of boredom.


	3. Chocolate Chip Cookies

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

* * *

**The scene opens on Sam's kitchen again. Sam's kitchen table is piled high with flour, sugar, and other ingredients, as well as cooking utensils and baking pans. The camera sweeps around the set and finally settles on Sam, Rosie, and Frodo.**

"Hello everyone!" Sam announces cheerfully. "Welcome back to the show! Today, we have a new guest: Mr. Frodo Baggins!"

Silence.

"Rosie." Sam whispers under his breath. "You're supposed to be clapping."

"Oh. Sorry!" Rosie begins clapping energetically.

"Thank you!" Sam cheers. Rosie continues clapping.

"You can stop now."

"Oh. Sorry!"

"Today, we are going to make cookies. Every hobbit child in the Shire _loves_ a good cookie, as does almost every other hobbit." Sam smiles.

"Your ingredients are:

**1/2 cup or 1 stick unsalted butter, ****3/4 cup packed dark brown sugar, ****3/4 cup sugar, ****2 large eggs, ****1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract, ****1 12-ounce bag of semisweet chocolate chips, or chunks, ****2 1/4 cups all-purpose flour, ****3/4 teaspoon baking soda, and ****1 teaspoon fine salt.**"

"Alright everyone! Let's get cooking!" Frodo demands.

"First, evenly position 2 racks in the middle of the oven and preheat to 375 degrees F, on convection setting if you have it." Sam reads the directions off a conveniently placed card.

"What are convection settings, Sam?" Frodo asks.

"I don't know, Mr. Frodo. Ask Mr. Gandalf."

"But I thought _you _were the cooking expert." Frodo whined.

Sam rolls his eyes.

"Next, line 2 baking sheets with parchment paper or silicone sheets. If you only have 1 baking sheet, let it cool completely between batches." Rosie continues, after snatching the card from Sam.

"Then, put the butter in a microwave safe bowl, cover and microwave on medium power until melted. Alternatively, melt in a small saucepan. Cool slightly. Whisk the sugars, eggs, butter and vanilla in a large bowl until smooth." Smeagol jumps in.

"Wait, cut!" Sam calls. He turns on Smeagol. "Why are you here?"

"Fat hobbitses-" Smeagol trails off slightly under Sam's death glare. "Smeagol wants dessertses. What's dessertses, precious?"

"Something good." Frodo states. "Now, Smeagol. We'll do the cooking, and you can do the eating."

"Fair enough." Smeagol smiles and, thankfully, leaves the set.

"Whew. That was a close one." Sam exhales a deep breath. "Anyway, continuing on... Action!"

"They never stopped shooting." Rosie points out gently.

Sam turns away from the camera and counts to ten slowly.

"OK then." Frodo grimaces and snatches the note card. "Whisk the flour, baking soda and salt in another bowl. Stir the dry ingredients into the wet ingredients with a wooden spoon; take care not to over mix. Stir in the chocolate chips or chunks."

"Finally, scoop heaping tablespoons of the dough onto the prepared pans. Wet hands slightly and roll the dough into balls. Space the cookies about 2-inches apart on the pans. Bake, until golden, but still soft in the center, 12 to 16 minutes, depending on how chewy or crunchy you like your cookies. Transfer hot cookies with a spatula to a rack to cool. Serve." Sam finishes triumphantly.

"And that is how you make cookies." everyone choruses.

"Let's eat!" Frodo cackles.

As the hobbits eat, Frodo suddenly remembers Smeagol.

"Come on in, Smeagol!" he calls, opening the door.

Smeagol runs in and samples of the cookies.

"Precious likes dessertses!" he cheers and immediately devours the rest of the cookies.

The cameramen peek out from behind the camera.

"Aww. So we don't get any?"

"Nope." Smeagol smirks.

Sam sighs. "Join us next time on _Cooking with Sam_ _Gamgee_! Thank you for watching!"

* * *

**Author's Note: Recipe taken from Food Network.**


	4. Chicken Pot Pie

**Disclaimer: Recipe taken from Food Network. I do NOT own the recipe. All credit goes to the chefs for Food Network.**

**Recipe: Sunny Anderson's "Easy Chicken Pot Pie"**

* * *

_The scene opens on a medieval castle-style kitchen in Minas Tirith. A table in the middle of the kitchen is piled with vegetables, spices, bowls, and various kitchen utensils. Sam stands directly behind the table with Aragorn next to him. _

Sam waves weakly at the camera. Aragorn pokes him not-so-subtly to stay awake.

"Hello and welcome to Cooking with Samgee Gamwise." Sam drones in a monotone voice.

"Um, Sam? Your name is Samwise Gamgee." Aragorn whispers and pokes Sam again.

Sam responds by falling asleep in a bowl of flour.

Aragorn claps his hands at the camera crew. "OK, people! You three, grab a stretcher and get him out of here. The rest of you, grab Legolas from upstairs."

No one moves.

"Hurry up!" The king of Gondor screams. The room explodes into action.

As several members of the camera crew carry Sam out of the kitchen, Legolas walks into the room, his brows furrowed in confusion.

"Estel, why is Sam asleep? Aren't you supposed to be filming?" he asks Aragorn. He looks at the cameras. "Oh, you ARE filming."

Aragorn swore quietly. Legolas slaps him on the back of the head.

"Keep it PG. Keep it PG."

Aragorn almost swore again, but contented himself with glaring at his friend.

After a brief silence, Rosie whispers a cue and suggestion.

"Why don't you start talking?!" she hissed.

Legolas pastes on a smile and turns to face the camera. "Welcome to Cooking with Samwise Gamgee. Unfortunately, our host has overworked himself and is now asleep in his rooms. Anyway, we are in Minas Tirith, courtesy of King Ara- _Elessar _of Gondor. Today we are making..." he trails off and turns to Aragorn. "What _are_ we making today?"

Aragorn shrugs. Rosie runs on screen and hands the two cue cards. Aragorn brightens.

"Today we are making chicken pot pie!" he announces.

Legolas starts reading the recipe card.

"So, you need 1 1/2 pounds chicken tenders (about 10 tenders), 1/2 teaspoon sweet paprika, 1/2 teaspoon dried sage, 1/4 teaspoon dried oregano, salt and freshly ground black pepper, 3 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil, 1 cup frozen pearl onions, 1 cup frozen peas and diced carrots, 2 cloves garlic, minced, 2 tablespoons all-purpose flour, 2 cups low-sodium chicken stock, 1 cup heavy cream, 1 store bought pie crust, unbaked and thawed if frozen, 1 egg, lightly beaten."

Aragorn nods his head. "Of course, Sam makes his own pie crusts, so you can use a home-made crust if you want. In fact, he made his own for today's episode." He gestures to the pie crust sitting in the pan.

Legolas takes over again. "You'll also need a 10-inch cast iron pan. Then, preheat your oven to 400 degrees fahrenheit."

Pippin barges into the kitchen, knocking over a bowl of spices and creating a commotion with the camera crew.

"Sorry!" he shouts. "Can I help?"

Aragorn stops Pippin before the hobbit attempted to sweep the spilled spices back into the bowl. "No."

Pippin gives Aragorn puppy-eyes. "Please? I even put on my special chef hat and apron."

The king sighs. "Alright. You can read the instructions."

Pippin smiles and picks up the recipe card. "OK, so you first need to sprinkle the chicken tenders with paprika, sage, oregano, salt and pepper. Then, heat a 10-inch cast-iron pan over medium-high heat and add the olive oil. When the oil begins to swirl, add the seasoned chicken and sauté until cooked through, about 4 minutes on the first side and 3 minutes on the second side. After that, remove the chicken to a plate with tongs, leaving the oil in the pan. Rest the chicken for a few minutes, and then chop into 1/2-inch cubes. Got it, Legolas?" he asks the elf, who is frantically trying to follow the instructions as Pippin reads the card.

"No." the elf gritted his teeth. "You're talking too fast."

Pippin repeats the instructions. Legolas continues to try and follow the instructions. Instead, he burns the chicken. The prince swore. Loudly,

Aragorn raises his eyebrows, his eyes twinkling. "Keep it PG, _mellon-nin_. Keep it PG."

"Shut up."

After successfully cooking and cutting the chicken, Legolas sighs in relief. "Your turn Aragorn."

"Proceed." Aragorn directs Pippin to continue reading.

Legolas snatches the card instead. "To the same pan, add the onions and peas and carrots and sprinkle with salt and pepper. Stir and cook until the onions become tender, 3 to 5 minutes. Add the garlic and cook until fragrant, about 1 minute longer. Sprinkle in the flour and stir until the flour dissolves into the vegetables and juices. Add the chicken stock and raise to a simmer, stirring until thickened. Once the liquid has thickened, stir in the heavy cream. Season with salt, if needed."

"Slow down!"

Legolas smirks and begins talking extremely slow.

"A little faster, please."

Finally, Aragorn finishes his part. Pippin takes his place to cook. Legolas and Aragorn exchange glances of apprehension. Aragorn shrugs and takes the card from Legolas.

"OK, now return the chicken to the pan. Gently, Pippin, GENTLY! Unfold the pie crust and place over the top of the filling, tucking the excess edges inside the pan. Brush the crust evenly with the egg wash. Using a knife, gently cut 3 vents in the top of the crust. Place in the oven and bake until the crust is golden brown, about 20 minutes."

As Pippin tries to put the chicken in the pan, he drops it on the floor. Legolas starts to swear again, but sighs instead. After redoing the chicken, the trio is ready to continue again. It takes Pippin three tries and Aragorn's help to get it successfully in the pan. Once the crust is on the filling, Aragorn picks up the pan and carries it over to the oven. Halfway to the oven, he slips on a spilled egg yolk and dumps the pot pie all over himself.

"Graceful, Estel, perfect poise and balance." Legolas snickers. Aragorn glares.

After two hours, the pot pie is finally in the oven. Rosie sighs in relief. The relief is short-lived, as the pot pie catches on fire.

"That's it!" Legolas shouts. "I'm done." The elf prince stalks out of the room.

Aragorn shrugs, then leaves as well. Pippin follows shortly. After a short pause, Rosie and the camera crew decide to pack up as well. As they leave, they forget to turn off one of the cameras. The lights go out.

A very refreshed Sam saunters into the kitchen and turns the lights back on.

"Hello? Anyone here?" he shrugs and smiles at the camera.

"Welcome to Cooking with Samwise Gamgee."

* * *

Translation of Elvish Words:

_Mellon-nin:_ My friend


End file.
